Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I Cried Today

You are cordially invited to my little pity party.

When just a few months ago, work made me cry on a regular basis, it no longer does.  Being at my new school makes me happy, and I believe in what I’m doing again which goes a long way. 

This morning, however, I had an overwhelming urge to cry, and few tears were shed.

The last two months have been busy.  Good busy, but still busy.  In addition to regular teaching “stuff” I’ve been out of the classroom for staff development both as a trainer and a trainee several times already this year.  Each time I’m out, I have to write sub plans in addition to my regular plans.  I’ve been out the last two days, which means two days of sub plans.  When arriving at school this morning to review yesterday’s sub notes and prepare for today’s sub, I also had to set up my classroom so 30+ teachers would have a place to sit when they came in for a demo lesson.  Furniture was moved around and folding chairs were set up.  During this frantic moving, while dressed up in heels and a dress no less, my room phone rang.  It was my principal calling to ask how the meeting room for my training needed to be set up as it hadn’t been set up correctly the night before.  I finished what I could, grabbed my things, and headed to the other room where my principal was waiting to help. 

The chairs and tables set up in a giant circle around the meeting room was the straw the broke the camel’s back.  Our trainings are usually set up in tables to promote discussion.  The incorrect set up was the last bit of air let out of an already deflated tire.  “Ya know,” I said, “It’s fine the way it is.”  My principal asked if I was sure since it wasn’t the way I’d been setting up the room.  I nodded, trying not to fall apart (yes, over tables people).  “I’m sure,” I said, feeling that please-don’t-cry pressure in head.  “I’m just so tired, the thought of moving this furniture is going to push me right over the edge.”  Then I found a box of tissues to stop the tears that were welling in my eyes. 

This inappropriate emotion passed quickly (luckily my principal, who is also a friend, is as intense as I am, completely understood where I was coming from, and didn’t think I was a complete nut job), and we moved a few tables around to make it work. 

Usually I strive on stress, but usually the stress comes in waves.  So far this year, it hasn’t stopped.  There has been NO catching up with not only my job in the classroom, but all the district commitments I have outside the classroom.  I don’t like that word overwhelmed because it holds negative connotations of not being able to handle things.  Well maybe I can’t.  Maybe this was a sign that I need to stop putting so much on my plate.  Or maybe I can, just a after wringing out a tear or two.

Mama's Losin' It

26 comments:

  1. I went out in order to form thoughts on this one. It's a grand morning and the news is saying Obama didn't take his 'A' game last night.

    Anywoo's.

    You need to take care that you aren't working two jobs full time. What I mean by that is you can have good deployment at one and a half jobs. 60 hours in other words. But anything over that and over-extension will kick in and you will reverse. So instead of 40+20 things will shift to 30+30 then 25+25. 'You' will be deploying the hours and efforts but the results will be like walking on ice.
    Yes, you can for short periods produce the goods for 80, 100, or even 110 hours a week.
    But you know all this so why am I saying this at all.
    So I want you to promise yourself that when things ease off to book yourself into a Spa or some-such and get yourself primped plucked, pummeled, painted and pampered, such that you are floating on a cloud of self produced dopamine.
    And as to the crying, as long as you are doing it as a release I don't see anything too bad. Frankly better out than bottled up inside.

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    1. I do know this, but knowing and doing are two different things. The hard part is job #1 alone often takes up most of the 60 hours a week. Something needs to be done because clearly I'm spread too thin, but unless I quit those additional commitments, well I'm not sure I'm willing to do that - although part of me says, just do it. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve anyway, so I agree it's better to let it out, I just wish I'd waited until I got home. :)
      As for the debates. I didn't get home from work (see) until after they were over, so missed them. The Reps I know said MR killed it, the Dems I know said neither killed it. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I can't say.

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    2. Just take care you don't overdo things. There is no end to the energy that your job will take from you. And your employer has a picture of you in a vocation rather than a profession and so expects you very life.
      Above, my point about 60 hours is that I'm including the housework into this. But truly you shouldn't go beyond the hours paid. If you do, you are creating a situation that is fake to the conditions.

      If I was within 500 miles of you I'd call over to give you a hug and take you out for a good meal.

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    3. Ahhh, thanks Vince. :)

      The 60 hours has to include the chores? Oh no!

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  2. Sounds like you are going at a fast-pace with so much going on. A person can only do that for a season, hopefully you will be able to cut back on something soon.

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    1. That's what IS happening. It's been happening for years, but I think it's gotten to me this year, for some reason. I'm fine this morning though. :)

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  3. I've actually cried a time or two over similar things. It happens, but it's embarrassing. Glad your principal is understanding!

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    1. Ha ha! Me too! She told me she was surprised she didn't join me. :)

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  4. Aw...don't be so hard on yourself. I think it's a women in general kind of thing. I get this way sometimes by taking on too much at once.....but it's usually because I'm so picky that I don't let others take over because I feel like it won't get done right! From folding towels to important stuff!!!

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    1. That's exactly it! I have a hard time saying no because I think, well if I do it, I have control over it. All week I've been asking myself, "Really, will it be so bad if you weren't part of it?" It most likely wouldn't.

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  5. I can relate to this; I go along and keep going until suddenly I have to stop and catch my breath because it feels like too much. Sometimes that's all I need - that moment - and then I am ready to move forward again.

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  6. Witnessing the burn-out of a collegue last year, I would beg you to not overdo it. Be as caring for yourself as you are for others!!

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    1. That's a good way to put it. It's easier for me to take care of others than myself though. :)

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  7. Aw, I'm sorry you were stressing... I can totally relate to that one thing that finally just nudges you ever the edge. Hope today is a better day! :)

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  8. This blog reminds me of many years ago when I was a stay-at-home-mom with 3 kids under 4 years old and "didn't work". I clearly remember sitting and crying over a glass of water that one of the kids spilled on the newly cleaned floor. WATER for God's sake. But there is a reason for the saying "the straw that broke the camel's back" and that was mine. Yours was chairs. Same thing. Take a few breaths and remember what is important in your life.

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    1. It's funny how those "things" can push us over the edge. Although, it's more likely that I'm actually transferring my stress towards the tables when really it should be towards the student who rolls around on the floor all day long, or the one who interrupts everyone, or the one who screams bloody murder when he gets something wrong. Since I can't melt down on them, the tables got the brunt of my meltdown. :)

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  9. Hopefully you can some some balance soon. But until then, a good cry every now and then might be just what the doctor ordered. I know they do wonders for me!

    Stopping by from Mama Kat's.

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  10. Teaching anyone, anything makes me cry. You'll find your balance Pumpkin. Oh yes you will!

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  11. Awww. I wish I could make you a pie.

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    1. I've never used pie as stress management before. :) I have (sadly) lifted the embargo on caffeine over the last month or so.

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  12. That same urge you had not to lose it in front of your boss is exactly how I was last week when my daughter came home to pack up her room. I'm glad the principal knows you well enough and didn't give you grief! =) Hope you find a chance to take a deep breath!

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  13. Do you have Monday off? It used to be Columbus Day but now we have staff development and no kids...sometimes I would just rather have kids that day! I know what you mean about hte stress! You are in need of this weekend! It has been a long week everywhere!I have some duct tape to mend that camel's back...and then don't pile on so much, ok?

    Take care!

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    1. My whole life I've never had Columbus Day off. I know the schools get the holiday on the east coast. I could use it. The weekend is near. I had a get together planned at my house on Saturday but it got postponed because one of my guests had a death in the family. Despite the circumstances, I'm kind of relieved we're pushing it back.
      As for staff development...I usually like training or attending as it's a break from the kids. In fact, part of me would like to move into staff development full time, but I'm not willing to get my admin creditial to do so. Sub plans bite though. :)

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  14. Sometimes it's okay to have a good cry. I;m sure the weekend will do you good

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  15. I have been feeling that lately also. And just like you, I don't like to admit it. I want to be in control. I want everything to be ok. Sometimes it just isn't. I am going to use your stress reduction poster right this second ; ).

    I am glad you are having a great year. So thankful for that. Sending lots of good thoughts and love.

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