Monday, November 2, 2009

A Gross Story Which Really Wasn’t

Copy of Picture 016This is my dog Koho. She’s the coolest dog in the world.

This story actually began last Wednesday when I spent most of the day sitting down from about 8 am until about 7 PM as I was out at meetings for most of the day and was not teaching. Since I am turning into an elderly person, that night I had the worst back ache and couldn’t fall asleep until very early the next morning. Which meant that I was exhausted on Thursday. Just remember that as you read the rest of the story.

Thursday night I crashed into bed and was out like a light before my head hit the pillow. I was so tired. In the middle of the night I was awaken by my dog coughing on the bed next to me. I sat up because it kind of sounded like she was actually vomiting. In my exhaustion I looked over in the dark, just lit by the streets light outside, and found that she actually had puked white nastiness on the bed, about a foot away from where I was sleeping. I have to admit that in my sleep deprivation I seriously contemplated letting her and the puke stay there because I was so tired. But a clearer head prevailed, and I got out of bed and shooed Koho off as well. Luckily, my comforter has a duvet cover on it so, with my eyes closed, I unbuttoned the cover, rolled it up, dumped it on the bathroom floor, vowing to take care of it in the morning. I got back into bed and fell back to sleep.

The next morning, still feeling slightly annoyed that my sleep had been interrupted. I got ready for work and then carried the soiled comforter cover down to the garage. I opened it up to see if I needed to remove any undigested food (I know, gross) before throwing it in the washing machine. As I did, I had a hard time finding where it was. I looked and turned it and looked again and again. There wasn’t any sign of the puke?!?! I washed it anyways and left for work.

That night when I went to bed, I realize that Koho had actually just been coughing. As the light from outside shown into my dark bedroom, the pattern of my bedding shown brightly.
2623889208_f0e1f20176_o I realized that the white of the pattern was what looked like dog puke to me in the middle of the night. I was relieved to know that I hadn’t really contemplated sleeping next to dog vomit.


  1. That is something I would have done, too. Glad it all turned out okay AND you have a nice clean comforter anyway. :-D

  2. Ha ha ha, that is very funny!

    Or.....maybe she gobbled it all up before you realized it. Dogs do that, too, you know.

  3. Oh, can you just imagine if she had puked up a big pile of mayonnaise?

  4. That is right. Dogs do clean it up after.

    Maybe you fell back into a big deep sleep without realising and in that moment of deep sleep your dog took care of the clean up for you?

    I mean why not?

    If JLO's kids can clean up their own vomit when she's not looking so can your dog.

    All the same, I hate being woken up in the middle of the night by the dogs.

    Every night the dogs wake me up with something. A bark or an obsessive scratch or vomit.

    After every night of being woken up it taxes one's nerves. Once a week I wake up and scream "SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUPP!!!!!!" and punch the pillow a few times and flop heavily on the bed.

    I know that it doesn't actually stop the dog sounds, but it does wake Stuart up, and if I going to be woken up in the middle of the night so is he.

    Actually I am getting pretty grumpy even thinking about it.

    You know what else cheeses me off?

    When Stuart gets woken up by the dog in the middle of the night and then makes a big dramatic scene in hopes of waking me up!

    How inconsiderate is that?

    I mean here I was, probably have some fantastic dream where I am about to find the answer to a question I have been asking for years that then BAM!

    He screams in my ear and flops on the bed.

    Oh just wait until tonight, Stuart! I have a feeling I am going to dream about doing belly flops in a pool!!

  5. So what you're saying is that you clearly sleep on puke every night??
    Well, now at least it's clean puke.
    Too funny!

  6. You are so funny. I am sorry you couldn't sleep great that one night. Me too lately. I wake up at 3 am and can't go back to sleep. Does this mean we are getting old? I don't want to get old before I have a baby. I am old. I just decided. I don't even need you to answer me Pumpkin!

  7. Oh no! Next time there will really be puke, but you will think you are imagining it.

  8. Ick. Oh and more ick to what Jason said. It's true, they do that. Nasty!

  9. laffs.
    when you are tired, the mind plays funny tricks on you.
    poor koho. next time, maybe he'll cover his mouth when he coughs.
    don't be surprised when he says 'excuse me.'

  10. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you *did* contemplate sleeping next to dog puke. Whether the puke was there or not is sort of irrelevant... you thought it was there. And, hey, that's cool. Sleep is precious.

    THAT SAID, I do not care to mention the number of times in the past two months a newborn having just spit up while sleeping next to me has just been scooted over a little.

    Nor will I mention that I go right back to sleep without cleaning said spit up... And I'm not saying *anything* about how sometimes, I'll forget that happened and not wash the sheets until a few days later.

    Yeah, we won't mention that, at all.

    I'm a bad, bad, (and dirty) person.